The Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute
ARSI Line Archives: Recent Monthly Issues

ARSI Line - October, 2006

DATELINE September 30, 2006: ARSI's libel suit against a reviewer for a prominent East Coast newspaper has been set for trial in June, 2009. Our team of relentless litigators is looking forward to the occasion with great relish. The lawsuit was based on an article that unfairly defamed Rutabagas Festooned, an experimental recipe from ARSI's labs. The article originally appeared in the newspaper's "Food" section on December 21, 2002. The author, a notorious turnipite, sampled the recipe and rudely described it in the following libelous terms:

"This latest abomination from the ARSI cultists is a putrid brew of rutabagas and mushrooms which, when baked, emit a pasty and malodorous brown effluent that compels one to evacuate the kitchen in horror and disgust."

The ARSI lawsuit was filed in Amarillo, Texas, for tactical reasons. The legal theory is founded on Texas' "defamation of agricultural products" law. For the sake of his personal safety, the reviewer shall remain nameless.

The recipe for Rutabagas Festooned was devised by ARSI's culinary labs and was never intended for public distribution. An internal investigation is underway to determine who leaked this experimental recipe to the libelous reviewer. There is widespread concern that the turnipites have infiltrated a "mole" who has access to sensitive documents within ARSI's vast Research & Development facility in Forest Grove.

DATELINE September 25, 2006: Based on overwhelming evidence submitted by your organization, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has wisely cancelled its November recall of certain ARSI products. ARSI strenuously denies all rumors that the FDA's action is the result of our recent six-figure campaign contributions to key political figures in Washington. However, ARSI deeply appreciates the continuing support and loyalty of its political allies in both parties. Additional information on the background of this dispute is available to curious rutabagans.

ARSI Line - September, 2006

DATELINE August 11, 2006: The traditional rivalry between Oregon rutabagans and Idaho turnipites escalated alarmingly in March, 2004. A civil lawsuit was filed in U.S. District Court, Boise, by the "Gotta Love A Turnip" (GLAT) cabal of Ketchum, Idaho. GLAT named ARSI and gastroenterologist Juanita Stone as defendants in the suit, which seeks an injunction and damages in the sum of $348 million. As our readers will recall, Stone was the author of a meticulous scholarly paper published by ARSI in June, 1997. GLAT claims that Stone's "defamatory statements" in that paper include the following:

"The aesthetic deficiencies of this vile purple root [the turnip] are notorious and require no elaboration. However, its pernicious effects on the human alimentary system have only begun to be appreciated. Being virtually indigestible, the turnip rapidly produces methane and other greenhouse-gas emissions that threaten to accelerate global warming and create noxious localized plumes."
GLAT alleges that Stone and other rutabagans are attempting to "penetrate traditional turnip markets" by exposing that vegetable to "public scorn, obloquy and ridicule." Rest assured, however, that your organization and its team of remorseless litigators will strenuously oppose this preposterous lawsuit.

As of June 26, 2006, five years after the lawsuit was filed, the parties continue their extensive pretrial discovery process. A trial date has been set for June 16, 2012.

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